Stop Discounting Yourself: You Are Enough

Many of us were watching and holding our breath until the final seconds on the clock revealed the #USWNT victory in 2019, and the shock and awe continued to course though the veins when these women used their platform to draw attention to pay inequality in their sport. They threw down a gauntlet to their governing body in the form of a lawsuit, and then went on to win their fourth world cup title in spectacular fashion under the microscope of the public. So where does the conversation continue from here?

For me, I have since engaged in some quasi-healthy debate when I posted on FB (paraphrasing here) that for women in the spotlight fighting for equal pay, it’s our time to look at every institution squarely and ask for fairness, equity and inclusivity. I’ve received some criticism. So…what’s wrong with that, you might wonder?

No matter how many ways we say it, there is always someone on the receiving end who feels attacked, BECAUSE we are on the offense. Even when it’s not against one tribe, it’s against our institutional bias inherent in society. Somehow, we are still attacking those whose implicit beliefs favor a dominant gender, and some folks are feeling defensive because of it. Even for those who might deny parts of this argument when it comes to their doorstep (their families including spouses and daughters), they still feel offended. This, by the way, extends to women as much as men, as exemplified by those who subsequently tweeted to Megan Rapinoe to quiet down her aggressive behavior.

So, here’s my hypothesis when it comes to diversity, equity and inclusivity (DEI) in the workplace: until we address these unspoken biases equally owned by both sexes and by both sides of the DEI equation – giver and receiver, we will merely skim the surface of DEI in corporations and institutions.

When I work with companies, I have decidedly made it every team’s mantra that change hurts. If it didn’t hurt, I’d have a chiseled midriff and still eat chocolate at will.

So where do we begin when we are looking at systemic change, not only band-aid fixes in the recruitment and hiring process?

Let’s start with and focus on pay for value. When the data shows that all women and men of color make less on the dollar than every white man, it seems like an easy enough fix. And yet we can’t seem to raise the bar with a Thanos (Marvel Comics) snap of our fingers. We have some pretty big hills to climb and leaders who write the checks, it’s on you to make that shift.

While change is stalled out in the hands of the givers of pay, let’s shift the perspective to the receivers of DEI. How do those who check the DEI boxes (less-than-equal pay recipients) like me affect the conversation?

I am a woman, (DEI check), of color, (DEI check)  and Mom, (DEI check). It almost feels like I have unintentionally joined a DEI club and my impostor syndrome is flaring up from years of being so consistently classified as “other” – either implicitly by others or by me. It’s as if I have to work one hundred-fold more to be equal and deserve 1:1 pay to convince myself. And yes, it’s due in large part to the data that tells me I’m not worth as much. Still, what can I do differently to own my part in the equation, no matter how small?

This imposter syndrome has caused me to weigh the equal pay scales against myself and has made me question my worth to companies and society, because for so long I have been told to question my worth.

For example, I once paid back my college professor who hired me for some work-study projects. She was trying to help me in Munich with some side pay to live abroad, and I felt she was paying me too much for my value. I wanted her to pay me fairly (based on my perception) and I was a substandard typist at the time who didn’t deserve 200 German Marks for the few hours I’d worked.

Also, as a student who couldn’t pay her tuition on time, I was discriminated against in a long line of students waiting to face the cashier at my university. Like many, I had to armor up (a lot of self-talk) and face the cashier with stoicism while she berated me publicly for being late and having no clear plan for how I was going to pay the $2-3K remaining for that term (we were on trimesters so this happened three times a year). I felt so small. I still cringe when I think about it, and I remember crying with my friend Suzy who also experienced the dreadful cashier that same day, questioning after the shock whether we deserved to be at such a premier school or not because, unlike the kids whose parents could pay, we didn’t want to trouble our parents to put themselves in more debt than they had already just to be there. We did what we could to cover as much as we could ourselves. We wanted to make them proud, and we wanted to swallow our fear and show the world we could do it on our own.

After I left school, it was more of the same. As a young woman flexing her intelligence, I had to fight so hard for equality. I was called “toots” on a job site in Paris. I was asked if I wanted to go on a private jet with a global director whom I’d just met from a Fortune 500 and to whom I said no thanks, and then ran to my boss to tell him just to get it off my chest and remember that I did nothing wrong. On another occasion, I was told when offered a promotion that I wasn’t cut out for the job and took it anyway to prove him wrong.

I fought the good fight in my time in corporate America. I was a trailblazer who made some pretty great strides, though not without my own mistakes. The most insidious result of experiences like these, is that I have internalized them, even while standing up to the injustices I have faced. In the back of my mind, I had always wondered, were they right?

For the time I was told I was making the biggest mistake in my career for quitting, was he right?

Or when I was told I wasn’t cut out for the job transfer, was he right?

Or for the time I was told that I was paid more than enough (and less than my peers), was he right?

We, those who tick one or more of the DEI boxes, receive some fairly direct and indirect messages as “the other” that we are not enough. And so we continue the narrative in our own heads. Not thin enough. Not fat enough. Not tall enough. Not smart enough. Not capable enough.

To prove out this thesis, and attack the problem of equal pay from unconscious biases on both sides (pay giver and pay receiver), it’s time to say, you are enough, and I am enough. And if you are not willing to pay me a fair and equitable wage, then you are not enough.

Finally, to the USWNT who are currently shouting this very idea at the top of their lungs, we hear you.  Your tale is of epic proportions — a sports victory for women — demanding that to make the world a better place for our girls. Thank you.